It was a normal Wednesday until an invitation arrived for “the ultimate Summertime celebration.” “McCormick will be introducing a first-of-its-kind grilling innovation,” read the press release, and first-of-its-kind it was indeed.

They had combined a grill and a “DJ station” and I couldn’t wait to feast my eyes on that baby. Even more exciting, the legendary DJ Jazzy Jeff, once the DJ for Will Smith as “The Fresh Prince,” would be the grill master, flipping burgers and producing “the perfect summer hits.”

The event began and DJ Jazzy Jeff stood prominently behind the new half-grill-half-DJ-station mad-scientist creation, and as my excitement built, the spokeswoman announced that the abomination of flavor and sound would be called the ““Summer Hits 5000.”


As the ingredients were placed on the grill’s surface, sensors triggered audio loops that formed together into what could be called elevated elevator music. At the start, as items were placed haphazardly on the grill, the music was incoherent, gradually evolving into some sort of coherent ’80s melody, and although everyone applauded, DJ Jazzy Jeff assured the crowd that “you can put your own sounds in it.”

It was at this moment of pure befuddlement that I began asking myself all the questions I never asked on my way to the event. Sure there was, “who could afford this?” or “who asked for these two things to be one thing?”, but the idea of loading audio loops into your grill, I’m sure using some sort of clunky program that McCormick created, in order to just create a poor-sounding melody, is insane. Hilarious and insane.

Imagine going to a rich backyard barbecue, and having to hear the homeowner’s audio loops that he created on his grill.

Thus, I offer the internet its greatest challenge yet: create a No. 1 album using only the “Summer Hits 5000” McCormick grill. Make it funky, and cook ’em just right.

What do you think? Drop your thoughts in the comments below.