It was a special night unlike any other—one such faithful evening that I’ll remember to my grave—the night Busta Rhymes asked me out on a date via email.
It was a normal July weeknight when, scrolling through my inbox, I came upon an email from the famous Brooklyn rapper, Busta Rhymes. The email was technically forwarded to me from my girlfriend from someone hosting the Busta Rhymes concert so that I could be my girlfriend’s plus one, but with Busta Rhymes being so famous, it made sense that I would have to go through the usual chain of assistants and my girlfriend to set up our very special first date.
“Just wanted to reach out and let you know that you’re confirmed, with a guest, to attend the New York stop of the Crystal Pepsi Throwback Tour with Busta Rhymes,” read his email forwarded to me from my girlfriend from someone hosting the event. “What a suave man,” I thought, “free Crystal Pepsi?” He already knows me so well. “As a reminder, the Crystal Pepsi Throwback Tour is in celebration of the clear cola and a multi-city tribute to the nostalgia of the 90s,” he continued. “Oh, stop,” I blushed, “you had me at Crystal Pepsi Throwback Tour.”
I put on one of my favorite flannel shirts and my fresh, new Adidas, and made my way over to the event where I was to meet my new admirer, hip-hop legend Busta Rhymes. The night started a bit oddly, as I had to wait for my girlfriend to get there to let me in, but I figured Mr. Rhymes just didn’t want to make a big deal to the paparazzi outside about his big night with yours truly. It was very nice and considerate of him to add all of these extra steps and precautions, such as going through managers and my girlfriend in order to protect me from the viscous cameras and vulturous media questions.
I knew something was off however, as his email forwarded to me from my girlfriend from someone hosting the event stated that I should arrive at Billy’s Sports Bar up in the Bronx by Yankees Stadium and mainly focused on the refreshing taste of Crystal Pepsi and its recent revival. “Thank you for inviting me,” I said as he took the stage. He screamed “Everyone make some noise for Crystal Pepsi!,” unable to hear me from the balcony. He also arrived eighteen minutes later than the time he said we should meet, but I knew I was still special to him. After all, I was a VIP, and so was my girlfriend.
That was all before he stepped on my hopes and dreams like that scene from (500) Days of Summer where they show expectations vs. reality side-by-side. “I want to thank someone who really means a lot to me for coming out tonight,” he said. It was my moment, and then someone else walked out on stage: DJ Kool Herc, the grandfather of hip-hop (pictured above). They embraced, and I knew it was over for us before it ever began.
How could anyone compete with the creator of hip-hop? I was crushed, and you could see it right through me like a bottle of clear Crystal Pepsi. Then he performed his hit song “Break Your Neck,” just to rub in the pain.
I might not have gotten the date of my dreams with hip-hop legend Busta Rhymes, but it wasn’t a total nightmare. I still went home with two bottles of Crystal Pepsi and a coaster, oh, and my girlfriend.