Corey Feldman has lost his goddamn mind. As a former child actor, Corey Feldman is most notably known for his roles in ’80’s films like The Goonies, Gremlins, and the voice of Donatello in the first live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, so we’re talking big names here. I mean, Donatello am I right?
Now, Corey is “making music,” or whatever you call this project. Personally, I prefer to call it clinical insanity. Appearing on the Today show, Feldman wore god knows what in front of a tone-deaf, angel-costumed band, did a dance that looked like trying to do the breaststroke in the air but only if you were moving at the pace of mm/sec, and then dropped the American flag on the ground. Case in point, it appears Corey can no longer distinguish fantasy from reality.
The performance was all in support of his album and “big comeback,” Angelic 2 The Core, a 22-track opus of a madman spurting out hyperventilated vocals and a clear cry for help. For starters, the album is called Angelic 2 The Core, like everyone’s worst KRS-One nightmare, and includes an opening skit of what sounds like a devil opening the gates to heaven before never appearing on the album again. Secondly, I’d like to clarify that I’m not new to putting pictures on websites, and that the artwork as it is displayed with the top and bottom black bars is the actual album artwork. He couldn’t even format those out, besides whatever the hell kind of angels pulling him out of hell thing is going on with the cover.
It’s hard to describe really just how terrible this album is, but I’m going to give a shot. Picture the feeling of cringing for an hour and a half. The worst singer you’ve ever heard is Adele compared to Corey Feldman. Donald Trump seems comforting compared to the scream- whispered attempted sexuality that is Corey Feldman. This record could be used as a form of torture. I would talk so fast that you wouldn’t have to break any of my limbs. Eight minutes in and I’d tell you anything you wanted.
I think the worst part is that there’s no way to make this album any worse. Where do I even start? It’s like he’s possessed by a broken auto-tune demon and can’t control his own voice. Why is there so much growling? Why does he have so many Charlie’s Angels skits that read like a bad porno and incorporate the Adam West Batman music? Why does he sound so creepy? What is “Lickity Splickity”? He knows the phrase is “Lickity Split” right? Why are Kurupt and Snoop Dogg on this record? How did the Today show let him perform once let alone twice?
I honestly can’t even get through any of the songs past the first half and that’s being really generous. It’s like he has no concept of what music is or what to do with his voice. There’s no way he didn’t write and produce this all on his own because someone would have stopped him and committed him to a mental hospital upon hearing the first two songs. I pray for Corey Feldman, and I’m not religious. Honestly this man needs it. Please everyone join hands and pray for Corey Feldman. If he’s as manic and gone from reality as this record suggests, the hilariousness actually become very scary. He was one of the Michael Jackson kid-friends anyway.
As bad as I’ve said records have been before, this one is on a whole other level. This might very well be the worst album of all time. I don’t think anyone in the future could even make a worse record. Corey Feldman made the worst record of all time so that every other bad record can be relieved that it’s not the worst thing imaginable. So thank you Corey Feldman, for making every bad record seem like a masterpiece compared to Angelic 2 The Core. In a way, Corey’s the angelic savior he’s always wanted to be.